Guys, do you have any suggestions or advice on overcoming guilt?

I've been celibate for awhile now and pretty much given up on relationships with women for a variety of reasons. I'm fine with that, but increasingly I feel that I am becoming completely asexual.





I've never been to a strip club or a prostitute and I don't think I'd ever want to and it's gotten to where I can no longer enjoy pornography.





I've tried things like erotic comic books and animation, because at least with those, there's not a real woman, so I am not wondering things like, ';Is she drug addicted and trapped in this life? Was she sexually abused as a child?'; and other questions that have ruined porn for me. But I still felt disgusted with myself even for the comics because they are demeaning to women.





Any advice?Guys, do you have any suggestions or advice on overcoming guilt?
I'm not a guy but I know how you feel, somewhat. At the risk of not making much sense, I'm going to attempt to explain how I feel, maybe you'll relate to some of it:





1- Not seeing the other person as an adult making his/her own decisions--- I feel the same guilt when a guy gives me a massage or pampers me physically---I start feeling guilty because I think he's going to get tired. I think it stems from the assumption that the person is not capable enough of looking out for his best interest, that even if his hand starts hurting for massaging me he won't tell me, so I have to protect him from pain.





2- My own inability to receive- Maybe somewhere deep inside I do not feel worthy of receiving and instead feel more comfortable giving. I feel guilty when I receive. If someone buys me a gift, I feel that I have to return it with a more expensive gift instead of saying thank you and just telling myself that I deserved it. The same goes with compliments. Not to say that anybody notices this; I often overcompensate by being cocky to cover this part up.





3-- Victim vs Predator perception--- Since I was sexually molested as a child, and know what it's like to be a victim and feel pain, I feel a subconscious obligation to protect everyone against pain, even if that requires protecting them from myself. Basically, everybody is either a potential victim or potential aggressor. This, of course, I came to realize was not the case.





This has left me vulnerable to control. People were easily able to control me and my decisions because I felt sorry for them or because they could play on my emotions---I found myself being in relationships I didn't really want to be in only because I wanted to take care of them or protect them from getting hurt.





It's been a long road, but I have to constantly remind myself that adults are capable of making their own decisions and I don't need to protect them from their own decisions. I'm only responsible for myself and obligated to be honest with those whom I get involved with--and that's pretty much where my responsibility ends.





Sex is great part of our being, it's a beautiful part that unfortunately has been tainted by darkness. I understand feeling asexual. I somewhat felt that way when I became celibate twice in my life, only to get back on track later lol. You're very intelligent and charming. Those are some qualities women love to have in someone they connect with so why deprive yourself and the woman who would enjoy having that connection with you?





EDIT: Don't protect us against the decision to respond lol :)Guys, do you have any suggestions or advice on overcoming guilt?
Need to be careful here the children are watching and reading.
You're being way too hard on yourself.





1. Even I like porn - or, at least, certain types of it. The non-penis-obsessed types. There's no reason to feel any more guilty about consuming porn than about consuming everything else in this ******* up country: fast food, plastic junk made in China, gas in your car, violent movies. It's a damaged culture. The important thing is that you're *aware* of it - but you can't allow yourself to be obsessively aware. It will actually prevent you from functioning. I know. And a non-functioning person isn't good for anything or anyone.


2. Try to become more involved in activism if it will make you feel better. Make time to help other people and forget about yourself. It *will* make you feel better.


3. There are nice girls out there who will sleep with you. It's just a fact. I met a nice guy last week (from online) who has given me hope for the human race. If you're one of those hopes for the human race, some girl is going to find you. Go post yourself some personal ads. I'm so serious.
Well, i personally would ask why you have given up on relationships. it seems to me that if you dont get any pleasure out of pornography (sometimes I do, but my husband doesnt), and a strip club (which I have been to, and it's really not all that sexually stimulating) or a prostitute dont seem appealing, then sex isnt what this is about. If it were just about sex, you could probably make do. you seem to be looking for something that is not as empty as just an orgasm. If that is the case, then your other option is to examione why you gave up on relationships, and try that avenue again.
Sweetheart,I do believe that you've received enough therapy from all of us.You're a nice guy,there's no reason for you to feel so guilty.My dear Gnu,please don't make me write over everything that **my girl KD**wrote because she took those words right out of my mouth.


LOVE YOU BABE!!!


P.S:Doc Rudy,gone and clocked out.....
There is nothing to enjoy in porn, it is like a dog gnawing at a bone, and getting no satisfaction from it, no need to feel disgust at yourself, you are not the perpetrator.
So because you get receive no interest or pleasure in pornography, you've given up on relationships? I'm only 13, but if I get married I probably won't have kids, or at leats that's what I'm thinking in my spare moments. Who says you need sex for love? Sure, it boosts the intimacy for SOME people, but maybe it isn't for you, and for another person out there. Not to say I believe in soul mates, but I do believe there is at least one person you can learn to love who agrees with your opinions on pornography.





I'm not understanding where your guilt is coming from, whether it's from being unable to enjoy pornography or looking at erotic material. But whatever it is- don't give up on relationships. No, I've never been in one, but I'm 13, and you're probably not.





I feel like a keep repeating myself....so I'll just end with this: You don't need sexual enjoyment in order to enjoy a relationship with someone- that's what love is for. Love does not increase sexual intimacy- sexual intimacy boosts love, and even then, only for some people. It might even help you to get into a relationship to stop looking at porn, and stop worrying about the women you look at, and therefore stopping your guilt. What's wrong with being celibate? Sure, it's not what most people do, but it's not abnormal either.





sorry if i didn't help....good luck
I'm not sure that I'm going to be much help here, but a couple of things -





Erotica doesn't have to be demeaning; spread your search a little. Obviously everyone has their own tastes, but consider lesbian erotica or erotica that is marketed toward women. Or there are lots of mainstream films that are plenty sexy.





Maybe the idea of sex for pay isn't going to work for you, but it IS legal some places. If you think that's even a possibility, check out the possibilities.





Is being asexual bad? If it doesn't jive with your image of who you want to be, that's a problem. But there are people who just decide sex isn't for them.





Also, I agree with some of the others who have urged you not to give up on relationships. They may or may not have a sexual component, but a good relationship with a woman is something worth seeking.





All the best to you.
(1) Ignore that ';Doc Rudy'; character. He is bitter about life and doesn't have a clue. Don't listen or you will start questioning your actions again how you feel about things in your life.





(2) Forget about the porn. There are other ways of connecting with your sexuality. You sound very intelligent but for some reason you have been led to believe that sex is ';wrong'; or ';dirty';. You are normal. ALOT Of people - men and women - feel that it is dirty and it is a rare person indeed who doesn't put all these conditions on it. That ';Doc Rudy'; character for instance. He sees it as dirty and a ';bargaining chip'; and therefore he won't actually connect with his own sexuality or the person he is with - he is one of life's ';blamers';.





(3) You need to state why you have given up on relationships with women. That is the core of your problem. I suspect it has something to do with not feeling ';good enough'; and also being a sensitive sort of soul who sees so many injustices in the world thus making you feel like you're a single entity adrift amongst people who are harsh and just want to cause pain. I am going by your other posts.





(4) The women you have described that you spend time with are children and are quite cruel. I have stated this before. You see, you aren't spending your time around those who talk about events in their lives and how life is making them happy and creating. You are spending your time with negative people who relate to others as if they're on a playground. There is no ';formula'; as to how to relate to others but I do know how to build strength in one's life. Start liking and loving yourself. You may want to try meditation - not a specific style or discipline - just the use of clearing one's mind to connect with who you are as a human. When you start connecting to yourself and stop listening to the ';chatter'; of others, you will begin to make choices that raise you up and help you to evolve as a person. This may seem a bit indirect but your problem isn't that you are not getting sex or that you feel asexual - it boils down to a simple case of self-loathing brought about by all the crap that you've been fed as a person growing up and simply experiencing life.





(5) You can try this book. It did wonders for me and I read it every day for 6 months because I'd hit the proverbial rock bottom and I couldn't stand getting up anymore so I had to do something to make myself better. It is called: ';You Can Heal Your Life'; by Louise Hay.





The book is easy to read and she writes very succinctly how we allow outside influences to take over our minds and then she teaches you how to bombard your mind with positive thoughts until you have a kind of blank slate and then you begin to experience life as it is and not project what you think it should be onto situations. It is an eye opener, to say the least, to suddenly, after weeks of thinking the same positive phrase over and over and over and over to experience the empty mind.


The other thing is after I'd spent quite literally 6 months changing my outlook completely, I no longer had low lifes or people like the women you described in my life. It is interesting because I too look very young - about 15 years younger than I am - and had put up with patronising comments, teasing, and condescension for just about all my life and I was pretty screwed up in the head.


Now, if people address me, they do so in a respectful manner. The first time that happened, I was blown away and my brain tried to convince me that I didn't deserve to have respect and I felt ';guilty'; but I went home and did some more of the exercises in the book and now 4 years later, I wouldn't know what it feels like to ';do guilt';.





The book is really just cognitive therapy and if you'd like to take the therapy / counsellor route, then you may want to try cognitive therapy.





You see everything in our lives is a result of our thoughts. I'm not talking about looking at a city of someone else's creation or the weather. I mean if you want to have a certain career then it is up to you to make it happen. If you want to have a certain life then it is up to you to make that happen. We give others so much power over our lives then we feel alone and guilty and upset and can't figure out why we aren't happy and why our lives aren't going the way we'd like.


'Doc Rudy' is a fine example. He lives in a world where he attracts people who can't be humane to each other unless there's 'something in it for them'. You may not be able to see it through his writing but it's there. The use of the word 'feminist' is a good give away. Blaming women (not feminists) for the unhappiness in his life.


If you want to attract the people you say you want to attract in your life then you must become one of those people.


Like, does indeed, attract like.





There are 6 billion people on this earth with different upbringings and surrounded by different types of people.


Gnu Sense, there is someone out there for you but because your mind set is one of guilt then you are attracting those who also feel guilty. How in the world can anyone have an open, honest relationship if that is what is inside of them?





Give it a think.





Also: I just read the line that ';you don't understand the dynamics';. ';That men dominate women and they submit';. This is an inexperienced person's take on life and most likely a bit of a control freak. Don't go down that road because it will only make you more unhappy.


Face yourself and find out who YOU are because you can't 'read minds' and you don't know who wants to 'dominate or submit' in life. It is a constant balance in life - like a pendulum - and to label one group as one thing and the other group as another is dangerous. We adapt to our surroundings because we are biological beings.
If you email me I will be able to help you, this problem is very personal.
just breath it out dog peace!!!!!!
Stop going to church
Dude.. this is a recurring theme throughout your posts. You're a smart guy but you're clueless about women. I knew your belief that being chivalrous came not from a sense of right and wrong but from a sense of guilt at not being ALTRUISTIC, rather than concerns that not being chivalrous is actually going to hurt someone.





It's funny because thoughts like these will prevent you from getting laid ever because you fail to understand the sexual dynamic between men and women (that men dominate them and they submit). Actually I'm reminded about that post about the chick who kept hassling you out about having a baby face. First time I read that I thought you were posting it to brag about how some chick was attracted to you. I bet what was happening was she was in some way attracted to you but needed to see if you would man up in some way if she gave you a hard time. Sounds like you're one of these guys that gets attention from chicks but then stuffs it up by acting whipped.





I have a feeling that you really need to deal with these issues before you get into a relationship because if you don't your guilt will be an excellent tool by which to manipulate you. You're already extremely guilty about sex, so I suppose you would accept a high price tag being put on it.. LOL.





Seriously, this has either been caused by religious fundamentalist dogma or has been caused by feminists. They are the two main forces in modern society which promote male guilt about sex, so whichever one of these you are listening to, just stop. (Were you raised by a single mother?)





Anyway, why not try some amateur porn? They just chuck their pics on the net for free for the expressed purpose that men can jerk off over them. Most women are total attention whores and are more than happy about this sort of thing regardless of how much they swear up and down they aren't. Maybe you don't realize that women have a vested interest in men being guilty about sex, so they can put a higher price tag on it and get more providership in return for it?





What you need to do is read some self esteem books by Nathaniel Branden and start practicing enlightened self-interest. You need to reevaluate where your sense of right and wrong (and therefore your guilt) comes from for a start.